I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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