I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize