im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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