The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
