Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
