I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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