My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
