im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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