Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
