mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize