Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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