Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
