No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
