if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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