I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
cat food counts as protein by the way
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
