Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize