I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
