I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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