I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You may now shotgun with the bride
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
