He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
