Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
