I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
