Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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