Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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