I think I just saw someone hide a body.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
