Will you blow on my dice?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
