The maid of honor just puked.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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