You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
