dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
