I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
