I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
