Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
