im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
