i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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