I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
