I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
