is your mom at the bar?
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
