New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
