I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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