i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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