I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
