He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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