I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
