Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I cut my penus on the lid.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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