seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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