Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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