i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
