Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
