U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
