I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
