you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
