So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
