I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
