May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
