i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize