i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i think we sleep fucked last night...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
