I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
