her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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