i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
