pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
