What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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